An April Fools’ Day Public Service Announcement from Neocon News
Since the British have declared that we’re in a new Great Depression, Neocon News has a few helpful hints for you to pass the time.
You’ve no doubt been fired from your minimum wage job. I know, I know, it’s the second time this has happened during the two terms of Chimpy McBu$hitler. When he stole the election you were the CEO. His cronies at Halliburton fixed that, didn’t they, and now you’ve been fired from the mail room job you’d managed to scrounge into after his fatcats forced you out of the big leagues. So what do you do now? With millions of high paying CEO jobs lost, how are you going to get along? Fry cook is out of the question since you can’t afford the anti-acne meds after Cheney and big Pharma stole your affordable heath insurance and stopped the nice Mr. Hillary from giving you free healthcare.
Neocon News suggests that you try welfare. It’s popular again, and if you hurry and sign up now, you can still file for a few extra economic stimulus packages. We’d advise some recreation time to create a bigger family to give your welfare check a boost, but given the licensing agreements between planned parenthood, the gay and lesbian community, and the Democrat party, it’s doubtful that those incentives will be there for long if the Messiah or Hillary get into office. Especially the Messiah, who unlike previous holders of the title, doesn’t seem too enthralled with the idea of pregnancy (that’s a punishment and a downer).
Speaking of which, be sure to vote for whichever Democrat wins the primary. Now I know this is a tricky one, since your gut instinct is to vote for Nader, but remember that for someone who is supposedly a consumer advocate the man screwed quite a few Americans out of the glorious Gore presidency they’d been promised back in 2000. In fact, you probably should have sent Nader some hate mail before you went on welfare, back when you could afford stationary. Oh well, if anyone asks about it, you can lie and say you did. If you choose to chew out the consumerist now, be sure to not waste food stamps on the postage. They won’t work!
Now that you’re on welfare and you need to pass the time, consider a shopping excursion to one of the big megastores that you would have shunned on your former salary. Even though you’re now about four weeks away from being able to afford that half-caf from Starbucks, you can still have a good time laughing at all the stupid middle-Americans who regularly purchase clothing for less than fifty dollars. Don’t worry about this elitism going against the rest of your socialist beliefs, you don’t have to answer to anyone- you’re on government assistance (which is a funny name because that’s all the government should do in the first place, assist people, not fight evil wars for oil)!
And don’t worry about getting booted out of your house because Uncle Sam is riding to the rescue. Aren’t we lucky its an election year and principles fold as easily as paper ballots (damn Diebold!) so that that mortgage you couldn’t afford in the first place won’t come back to bite you?
And if they’ve bailed us out once, they’ll do it again- so for the final tip from Neocon News while you wait around for this Great Depression to be over, we recommend you go ahead and trot on down to the BMW dealership and take advantage of the current low interest rates. Consider an adjustable rate loan. Hell, why not pick up a few extra for the wife